The Culture of Female Service

The Culture of Female Service is rooted in gender stereotypes that place women in caregiving roles, and it’s a dynamic that can pass through generations, affecting mothers and daughters alike.

Female gender stereotypes promote the idea that women are natural caretakers, conditioned to prioritize others’ needs above their own. This culture of service is sustained by societal norms that portray women as self-sacrificing and nurturing—roles that often come at a high personal cost.

In my own family, I see this clearly: my mother, as the eldest daughter, became a caregiver for her siblings from a young age, while her brothers, especially the eldest, were spared from such responsibilities. This disparity highlighted the expectation that nurturing was a woman’s duty. My mother’s caregiving archetype continued into her adult life, even after our father passed away, and she was left to raise my brother and me as a single parent.

Despite her efforts to treat us as equals, both my brother and I were parentified. As a woman, this caregiving role led me to vulnerability in relationships, where a tendency to fawn and please could be taken advantage of—a risk that often does not affect men in the same way.

This vulnerability is starkly visible in statistics, with an estimated one in three women globally experiencing abuse. According to findings from the World Health Organization (WHO) and UN Women, almost 30% of women worldwide have endured physical or sexual violence, most often inflicted by an intimate partner. This shocking figure illustrates the widespread and persistent risk of violence faced by women globally, emphasizing the need for stronger protective measures and support systems.

The Emotional Toll on Mothers and Daughters

The emotional and relational impact of the Culture of Female Service on mothers and daughters is profound.

In my relationship with my mother, her identity became so closely tied to caregiving that I struggled to see her as a full person outside this role. This left her attempting to give from an “empty cup,” having received little nurturance herself. She was giving what she could, but the depth of her own unmet needs meant that, at times, there was little left to offer.

For daughters, seeing their mothers primarily as caretakers rather than human beings with their own needs reinforces the idea that a woman’s primary value lies in service to others. This emotional gap often leaves both parties feeling unfulfilled and disconnected, as the caregiver cannot fully connect when their own needs are unmet, and the daughter models this pattern of self-neglect.

The Trap of Self-Silencing

For myself and my clients, self-silencing and emotional neglect occur when we fail to advocate for our needs, prioritizing others’ well-being over our own.

This can be insidious, often happening without conscious awareness. At times, I find myself agreeing to something without fully realizing the personal toll until feelings of resentment or exhaustion surface. Many of my clients experience this too, caught off-guard by their own willingness to agree to demands they cannot meet without harm.

There are moments when I, too, unconsciously support this self-silencing in my clients, colluding in their unspoken agreement to put others first. This dynamic can be especially dangerous, as it reinforces the pattern, making it harder to identify and challenge in the future.

The Cost of Breaking Free

Finally, there is a social cost for those who break free from the Culture of Female Service by asserting their needs or focusing on themselves.

Many women—including myself and my clients—fear being judged or shamed for not complying with traditional expectations of female selflessness.

For example, one client who grew up under the shadow of her “good girl” mother—a perfectionist constantly meeting others’ expectations—has struggled to draw boundaries without guilt or fear. Recently, she ended a caretaking role in a relationship but now finds herself depleted by the demands of her job. She worries that setting boundaries at work will change how others perceive her and fears the shame that could follow.

Creating a New Narrative

In essence, the Culture of Female Service runs deep, shaping how women see themselves and others in relationships.

As we become aware of these patterns, we can begin to challenge the assumption that our value lies solely in service. By doing so, we open the door to healthier, more balanced relationships—where self-advocacy is valued and honored.